Monday, April 7, 2014

Be It to See It

In his Incredibly valuable book "Communication Miracles for Couples," Jonathan Robinson gives the helpful analogy of a person's level of self esteem being like a bank account. You can either make a withdrawal from their self esteem bank account or you can make a deposit. When you criticize, judge, invalidate, ignore, try to change another etc. you are making a withdrawal. Kindness, praise, acceptance, validation, appreciation, approval etc. are deposits.
When someone doesn't have any funds in their bank account, they have no kindness, praise, acceptance, validation, appreciation or approval to give. They are empty and can only criticize, judge, invalidate, ignore etc. Someone who's empty can't give.
The good news is: you're not helpless. The goal is to make as many deposits as possible. This isn't something that you have to mull over, think too much about or even try hard to do. You don't need to learn anything new and nothing needs to happen first. All that you need to remember and focus on is being positive in the moment.
To focus on being kind, praising something the other does or is, unconditional love, letting the other know you hear them, appreciate and approve of them or whatever other positive way of being, is all you have to do. 
Every good thought feeling action is a deposit. There are no tricks or secrets to having a good relationship really. It's as simple as this: good energy out brings good energy in.
What's tricky is that this is an ongoing process. It's in effect in every moment, whether you remember it, or feel like being positive or not. Your energy in the form of thoughts, feelings and actions are the cause of whatever the quality of your relationship is.
This is good news. This means that at any time you can know the quality of your thoughts, feelings and actions by noticing how well your relationship (and in fact your life) is going. Then you can intentionally think, feel and do the things that you need to do to change it.
We're looking for a magic pill. We're all waiting for something to happen in the outside world. This is combing the mirror when you want to change your hairstyle. Instead of waiting for something to happen or for your partner to change, you must be the things that you want to see in your relationship.
The quality of your relationship is only as good or bad as the quality of your interaction in any given present moment. What do you want your relationship to be? Write it down and then give deposits to the other in the form of whatever you've written down. If you want more your relationship to be affectionate and fun are you affectionate and fun? You must be these things indiscriminately, not just with your partner. In time, if you're consistent, your relationship (and your life) will become these things.

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