Tuesday, April 15, 2014

A SUPER Simple, Two Step Process to Maintain Happiness In a Relationship

“Mood has to be controlled.
Otherwise, it's your master.” 

What is a SUPER easy, two step process to maintain happiness in a relationship?
Is there a way to maintain happiness that will eventually become effortless? Of course there is, and it's all important: maintain your mood. 
Moods effect your life and your relationships in enormous ways. Something that is a breeze to deal when you're in a great mood seems like a huge problem when you're in a bad mood. Even worse, you tend to make things a huge problem when you're in a bad mood. When you're feeling bad, it's extremely difficult to deal with the tough stuff. In relationships and in life, tough stuff comes up.
Consistent good moods versus consistent bad moods mean the difference between a happy relationship and a horrible one (or a likely break up). This happens over time of course, but it's an accumulation of loving, kind and joyful moods, out of which come words and actions that are loving, kind and joyful that, over time, result in a loving, kind and joyful relationship.
On the flip side, imagine the damage what an angry, insecure, resentful mood can cause. Luckily, we don't just have to allow moods to happen, we are greatly empowered to create them. The super simple, two step process to do this is: catch a bad mood before it picks up momentum and get to a great mood quickly.

What causes your bad moods?
A bad mood is a "general summary" of your feelings, but feelings are always the result of thought. The words and actions that are an automatic response to these bad feelings usually create more for us to feel bad about. (I'm reminded of all the times I broke things in frustration.) The same is true for good feelings: good words and actions come out of the good feelings and create more for us to feel good about.

What can I do when I'm in a bad mood?
The trick is to become aware of your present thoughts and catch the ones that make you feel even just a little bit bad (or have the potential to make you feel bad) while they're small and managable. The second you notice a thought or feeling that's not good say something to yourself like, "There's one of those thoughts again".
Pointing out the negative thought without feeling bad about it will not only make you more aware, but also separate you from your thought. You are much more than your thoughts after all, and you have 100% control over them. Pointing out a negative thought when you notice it reminds you of this and empowers you to change it.

What do I need to do to get myself in a good mood instead?
Once you've noticed the thought and pointed it out to separate yourself from it, it's time to get practive. It's now time to intentionally shift your focus.
You want to keep this exceedingly simple, because if you make it difficult for yourself you won't follow through. Thankfully it actually is very simple: deliberately, purposely, intentionally shift your focus to what you are in love with. Ask yourself: "What do I love?" Then mentally start a list of whatever or whomever you love. You may not feel like doing this at the time, but that is why I say deliberately, purposely, intentionally, regardless of what you feel like doing.
Do this consistently and like anything else, it will become a habit that you do without conscious thought. The negative thoughts will actually serve you, like a trigger designed to remind you to change to a better feeling thought about what you love.

How will this help my relationship become closer and more loving?
Moods effect your relationships so profoundly and immediately because relationships are emotional by nature and so responsive to the words and actions that your thoughts and feelings have caused.
If your mood fluctuates, you'll have a sometimes happy sometimes not relationship, but, if you maintain a happy mood, and you will maintain a happy relationship.

I feel like I can't control my thoughts. How can I be in more control of what I'm thinking?
You have too many thoughts to monitor. Controling every thought is impossible. Instead choose to notice that you're noticing the bad. From there what are you choosing? Are you choosing to continue down the path of noticing all the ways that life is not the way that you want it to be? Or are you choosing to notice all the ways that it's perfect just the way it is and all the people, circimstances and things that you're in love with?
Choosing the latter over and over is the formula for happiness. Happiness is a conscious choice of noticing the good. You must choose this over and over to be happy, regardless of what is going on around you. No person or outside event has ever made you happy anyway, it has always been your choice and your choice alone. 
You can only notice in the moment that you notice and not a moment before, but do try and catch it as early as possible. As soon as you start feeling a tiny bit less than happy, you'll know that you're thinking less than happy thoughts. That is the time to start asking yourself: "What/who do I love?"

Tomorrow I delve deeper into this and give some more tips on staying focused on the kinds of thoughts that create a deeply loving and intimate relationship. I hope you'll join me!
May love be yours always!

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 for tons of super useful, super empowering info about adding love and joy to your relationship and your life: 

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