Friday, April 18, 2014

Five Ways to Have More Love in Your Life Right Now

Nothing needs to happen first for you to have love. YOU can take charge and fill your life with love right now.
1.    Give it. This is the number one way to have love because it is without a doubt THE single most effective way to have it. Find someone that could use some of your TLC and give it to them. We’re all so focused on what others can give us, it will be an incredible gift for that person, and will feel even better for you than it does for them.
2.    Focus on what you love. I call this “reverse complaining” and it works miracles. Ask yourself: “What do I love?” or “What am I in love with?” The trick is to ask and answer this consistently, especially when you notice thoughts that feel awful.
3.    Don’t covet, love it! Bless that which you want. Say, “I’m so happy for you!” every time that you see someone having, being or doing something that you want and mean it.
4.    Write a thank you letter to someone you feel truly grateful for. Sincerely tell them all of the ways that they’ve made your life better. Extra points if you send it!
5.    Praise the best in others. Instead of pointing out what bugs you, notice only the things that you like. Then – TELL THEM ABOUT IT!

I challenge you to do all five of these consistently for one week, I bet you can!

Enter my contest! Everyone wins a copy of my book and enters to win a $100 gift card to Barnes and Noble and a $200 relationship improvement program. And all that you have to do is comment here - less than a minute of your time!

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Tuesday, April 15, 2014

A SUPER Simple, Two Step Process to Maintain Happiness In a Relationship

“Mood has to be controlled.
Otherwise, it's your master.” 

What is a SUPER easy, two step process to maintain happiness in a relationship?
Is there a way to maintain happiness that will eventually become effortless? Of course there is, and it's all important: maintain your mood. 
Moods effect your life and your relationships in enormous ways. Something that is a breeze to deal when you're in a great mood seems like a huge problem when you're in a bad mood. Even worse, you tend to make things a huge problem when you're in a bad mood. When you're feeling bad, it's extremely difficult to deal with the tough stuff. In relationships and in life, tough stuff comes up.
Consistent good moods versus consistent bad moods mean the difference between a happy relationship and a horrible one (or a likely break up). This happens over time of course, but it's an accumulation of loving, kind and joyful moods, out of which come words and actions that are loving, kind and joyful that, over time, result in a loving, kind and joyful relationship.
On the flip side, imagine the damage what an angry, insecure, resentful mood can cause. Luckily, we don't just have to allow moods to happen, we are greatly empowered to create them. The super simple, two step process to do this is: catch a bad mood before it picks up momentum and get to a great mood quickly.

What causes your bad moods?
A bad mood is a "general summary" of your feelings, but feelings are always the result of thought. The words and actions that are an automatic response to these bad feelings usually create more for us to feel bad about. (I'm reminded of all the times I broke things in frustration.) The same is true for good feelings: good words and actions come out of the good feelings and create more for us to feel good about.

What can I do when I'm in a bad mood?
The trick is to become aware of your present thoughts and catch the ones that make you feel even just a little bit bad (or have the potential to make you feel bad) while they're small and managable. The second you notice a thought or feeling that's not good say something to yourself like, "There's one of those thoughts again".
Pointing out the negative thought without feeling bad about it will not only make you more aware, but also separate you from your thought. You are much more than your thoughts after all, and you have 100% control over them. Pointing out a negative thought when you notice it reminds you of this and empowers you to change it.

What do I need to do to get myself in a good mood instead?
Once you've noticed the thought and pointed it out to separate yourself from it, it's time to get practive. It's now time to intentionally shift your focus.
You want to keep this exceedingly simple, because if you make it difficult for yourself you won't follow through. Thankfully it actually is very simple: deliberately, purposely, intentionally shift your focus to what you are in love with. Ask yourself: "What do I love?" Then mentally start a list of whatever or whomever you love. You may not feel like doing this at the time, but that is why I say deliberately, purposely, intentionally, regardless of what you feel like doing.
Do this consistently and like anything else, it will become a habit that you do without conscious thought. The negative thoughts will actually serve you, like a trigger designed to remind you to change to a better feeling thought about what you love.

How will this help my relationship become closer and more loving?
Moods effect your relationships so profoundly and immediately because relationships are emotional by nature and so responsive to the words and actions that your thoughts and feelings have caused.
If your mood fluctuates, you'll have a sometimes happy sometimes not relationship, but, if you maintain a happy mood, and you will maintain a happy relationship.

I feel like I can't control my thoughts. How can I be in more control of what I'm thinking?
You have too many thoughts to monitor. Controling every thought is impossible. Instead choose to notice that you're noticing the bad. From there what are you choosing? Are you choosing to continue down the path of noticing all the ways that life is not the way that you want it to be? Or are you choosing to notice all the ways that it's perfect just the way it is and all the people, circimstances and things that you're in love with?
Choosing the latter over and over is the formula for happiness. Happiness is a conscious choice of noticing the good. You must choose this over and over to be happy, regardless of what is going on around you. No person or outside event has ever made you happy anyway, it has always been your choice and your choice alone. 
You can only notice in the moment that you notice and not a moment before, but do try and catch it as early as possible. As soon as you start feeling a tiny bit less than happy, you'll know that you're thinking less than happy thoughts. That is the time to start asking yourself: "What/who do I love?"

Tomorrow I delve deeper into this and give some more tips on staying focused on the kinds of thoughts that create a deeply loving and intimate relationship. I hope you'll join me!
May love be yours always!

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Saturday, April 12, 2014

Shining Vs. Burnt Toast

So many people shrink instead of shine. Shine your best self for the world to see, share your gift and you're a magnet!

Tuesday, April 8, 2014

Three Ways to Have a Healthy Relationship With the Higher Self

According to Wikipedia the Higher Self is a term associated with multiple belief systems, but its basic premise describes an eternal, omnipotent, conscious, and intelligent being, who is one's real self. 
I think of my Higher Self as a part of myself that loves me unconditionally, knows and wants what's best for me always, knows exactly how to get me there and guides me every step of the way. I can trust my Higher Self completely. Who wouldn't want a friend like that? 
Each one of us has been blessed with a Higher Self. We all have the opportunity to really develop a close, intimate relationship with the Higher Self so that we can be guided in all that we do. 
The value of becoming a close friend with your Higher Self can't be overstated. Not only to have a trusted aly you can depend on for anything, but also to have someone there with you at all times that loves you and builds you up no matter what. The Higher Self wants you to love life and yourself. 
This blog would be remiss if it didn't mention the benefits of a close relationship with your Higher Self will have on your relationship with your mate. It's as simple as this: your relationship is a reflection of your relationship with your self. A close, loving relationship with your Higher Self is the highest level of a close, loving relationship with yourself. Therfore, what will be reflected if you have this close, loving relationship with your Higher Self will be the highest level of a close, loving relationship with your mate. Not to mention that your Higher Self can guide you to the right mate for you and toward more love, closeness and joy in your relationship. 
Here are three things that you can do today to help you develop a close, loving partnership with your Higher Self:
  1. Ask. Ask to meet your Higher Self and from there ask to communicate, get to intimately know and communicate with it. Ask every morning for your Higher Self to take over in your affairs. Ask for its guidance on anything and everything you want and need. When you're at the grocery store you can say to yourself: "Higher Self, please guide me to the healthiest snacks for my children's lunches". Ask as often as you like. Keep a conversation going all the time. Then follow the second step. 
  2. Be open and listen. This listening and openness involves  paying attention to your intuition, even when it tells you what you don't want to hear. Intuition comes in many different ways. For me, I simply know that something is right or wrong. Some people hear a voice in the back of their head. When you ask for guidance, it will come. Be open to hearing it. Google how to do this or grab one of the thousands of books written on the subject. 
  3. Meditate. Stillness and silence allows the Higher Self to speak to you and allows you to hear it. Meditation is simply being still and silent for a time. I give myself 15 minutes in the morning of just sitting still and feeling myself breathe in and out. The purpose of meditation is not to achieve anything during our after, but to be still. This includes (as much as possible) your thoughts. Spirit can best pour itself into a still cup. 
You've probably been ignoring much of what your Higher Self has had to say, so there may be an adjustment period as you develop this relationship. Don't give up, keep asking, keep listening and keep meditating. Above all, honor the guidance you do receive by acting on it. 

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Monday, April 7, 2014

About Me

Rhiannon is an author, blogger, speaker, teacher and relationship coach helping others to have the very best relationship possible by helping them to be the very best partners possible.

This blog is packed with tons of great information on making your relationship the very best it can be. Even if you're not in a relationship right now, you can prepare for the love of your life by becoming the best partner you can be.
This blog is dedicated to guiding you through all the stages and phases of your relationship to get where you want to be.
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Apr 7, 2014

Jul 5, 2013, 1 comment


Be It to See It

In his Incredibly valuable book "Communication Miracles for Couples," Jonathan Robinson gives the helpful analogy of a person's level of self esteem being like a bank account. You can either make a withdrawal from their self esteem bank account or you can make a deposit. When you criticize, judge, invalidate, ignore, try to change another etc. you are making a withdrawal. Kindness, praise, acceptance, validation, appreciation, approval etc. are deposits.
When someone doesn't have any funds in their bank account, they have no kindness, praise, acceptance, validation, appreciation or approval to give. They are empty and can only criticize, judge, invalidate, ignore etc. Someone who's empty can't give.
The good news is: you're not helpless. The goal is to make as many deposits as possible. This isn't something that you have to mull over, think too much about or even try hard to do. You don't need to learn anything new and nothing needs to happen first. All that you need to remember and focus on is being positive in the moment.
To focus on being kind, praising something the other does or is, unconditional love, letting the other know you hear them, appreciate and approve of them or whatever other positive way of being, is all you have to do. 
Every good thought feeling action is a deposit. There are no tricks or secrets to having a good relationship really. It's as simple as this: good energy out brings good energy in.
What's tricky is that this is an ongoing process. It's in effect in every moment, whether you remember it, or feel like being positive or not. Your energy in the form of thoughts, feelings and actions are the cause of whatever the quality of your relationship is.
This is good news. This means that at any time you can know the quality of your thoughts, feelings and actions by noticing how well your relationship (and in fact your life) is going. Then you can intentionally think, feel and do the things that you need to do to change it.
We're looking for a magic pill. We're all waiting for something to happen in the outside world. This is combing the mirror when you want to change your hairstyle. Instead of waiting for something to happen or for your partner to change, you must be the things that you want to see in your relationship.
The quality of your relationship is only as good or bad as the quality of your interaction in any given present moment. What do you want your relationship to be? Write it down and then give deposits to the other in the form of whatever you've written down. If you want more your relationship to be affectionate and fun are you affectionate and fun? You must be these things indiscriminately, not just with your partner. In time, if you're consistent, your relationship (and your life) will become these things.

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Friday, April 4, 2014

Giving Love Effectively

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Thursday, April 3, 2014

Feel Good Communication

Communication is neutral, it only carries a message from one person to another. This message can be can be verbal or nonverbal. Experts say that up to 80 percent of communication is nonverbal. This is body language, tone of voice, facial expression, touch etc. The information in this article applies do both verbal and nonverbal communication.
The emotional tone of the verbal or nonverbal message is what makes  communication feel good or bad. the actual message is secondary. If you want a healthy, loving, relationship it's important that you have a positive tone when you communicate. The relationship call only be as good as it feels in any given moment. Feel good communication is a vital part of this.
The idea is to share good feelings. We all want to feel good, but specifically we all want to feel seen, understood, appreciated and loved unconditionally. do your words and actions communicate this to your mate?
Do you seek to understand him/her? Do you validate him/her? Do you express appreciation? Do you accept him her as is or do you try to change them? Is the tone of your message one that feels good or does it feel like condemnation, resentment, anger or indifference?
It's not so much what you say, but how you say it. The only thing you really need to remember is to communicate (with your words and with your body) with understanding, validating, appreciating and loving intent.
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Wednesday, April 2, 2014

Reverse Complaining

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Tuesday, April 1, 2014

The Power of Vulnerability

Vulnerability is absolutely necessary if you would like to have a close connection with others.
THE expert on vulnerability, Brené Brown says:"We cultivate love when we allow our most vulnerable and powerful selves to be deeply seen and known, and when we honor the spiritual connection that grows from that offering with trust, respect, kindness and affection. Love is not something we give or get; it is something that we nurture and grow, a connection that can only be cultivated between two people when it exists within each one of them - we can only love others as much as we love ourselves. Shame, blame, disrespect, betrayal and the withholding of affection damage the roots from which love grows. Love can only survive these injuries if they are acknowledged, healed and rare."

The part of that first sentence that says "we allow our most vulnerable and powerful selves to be deeply seen and known", really gets to the heart of the matter. Our vulnerability is our power because it's the exposure of our deepest truth. This truth includes the whole picture, the good, the bad and the ugly. 
I love when Brené says that vulnerable people are courageous. She says this is different from being brave: “Courage is a heart word. The root of the word courage is cor - the Latin word for heart. In one of its earliest forms, the word courage meant "To speak one's mind by telling all one's heart." Over time, this definition has changed, and today, we typically associate courage with heroic and brave deeds. But in my opinion, this definition fails to recognize the inner strength and level of commitment required for us to actually speak honestly and openly about who we are and about our experiences -good and bad. Speaking from our hearts is what I think of as "ordinary courage.” 
― Brené Brown

Do you speak your truth with all your heart? 
Vulnerable acts are acts that take courage. You don't try to hide your pain, your fear, your failures, your emotions or anything else about yourself. Exposing your true self can be terrifying, but it's the key to intimacy. 
You simply cannot have intimacy if you are don't allow yourself to be vulnerable. I would say that when you are truly completely vulnerable, you are centered and strong because you know that you are worthy of love no matter how imperfect you are. You rely on your strong core (root word of courageous) which is your faith in your inherent value. It takes more strength to share the true story of you than to hide it.
Don't let another's reaction, or your fear of their reaction stop you from turning yourself inside out. Just as important, reserve your judgment and allow others to be completely vulnerable with you. This is scary, but I promise you that you won't die. Instead, you will start the process of deep connection. 
Deep, true friendship is built on the sharing of truths, imperfections and secrets. At some point in getting to know someone, you had to take a leap of faith and share these things. 
This isn't about trust, this is about knowing that who you are is no less valuable or worthy than anyone else, no matter what your story is.  This is the only way that anyone will ever truly know and love you for who you truly are. No one can know you if you don't share the truth of who you are and no one can love you for who you are if they don't know you. 
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Monday, March 31, 2014

Wish-wants and the Intention Ascention

I wonder what would happen if we stopped wanting and wishing and instead started living our lives with intention. Have you ever noticed how much you want what you don't have and how often you wish things were different? It wouldn't be a big deal if it didn't feel so awful and create lack in your life. How often do you do this?
Have you ever noticed how infrequently you have an intention? To have an intention is to have an outcome that you're certain you'll achieve because you put your energy into having it. Intention feels like acting with purpose toward something, wish/wants feel like victimization. Intending requires self responsibility. How often do you do that?
For the past week or two I've really been noticing how much time I spend focused on some kind of want/wish and I have to tell you, it's a LOT. It's so much time actually, that I wonder if I'd have any thoughts at all if not for the wish/wants.
On the flip side, I noticed that very little of what I do is intentional. I very rarely have a clear idea of what I want the outcome to be and then think, speak and act accordingly.
When I speak of victimization, I don't mean that others are harming you. I mean that you're allowing the outside world to effect your feelings and actions. You're a victim every time you blame. When you say, "I don't have it because...", you're blaming. By the way, blaming also includes blaming yourself.
I believe that this wish-want, blaming cycle is more damaging than just about any other mental pattern you have. Our culture feeds this. It tells us that there's not enough and that the outside world can make us happy or unhappy. We only need things to be a certain way, and to keep getting more and better to be happy. Have you ever noticed that having things this certain way and getting more and better has not made you any happier?
We have this illusion that we will be happy when and if. This will chase happiness  away from the only place it can ever be found, within you in this present moment.
In relationships in particular, we do this all the time. We complain that we don't get enough love/affection/attention/sex/help around the house and that our mate is not good enough and that we wish they were different. Man, if only they'd give us more and behave the way we wanted to, everything would be perfect. Why can't they see how bad they are?
If you ever want to have a happy relationship (and a happy life) the blaming victim act needs to go. I don't know a single
successful person who blames the outside world and makes up excuses for why they can't be successful. If they did, they wouldn't be successful. I don't know one partner who's half of a truly happy couple, who wishes that the other would change. Maybe they get annoyed and even angry sometimes, but they don't blame and they don't seek to change them. They love the other as they are.
You are not a victim; you are only ever victimizing yourself. The only reason you don't have exactly the life you want, is because you're getting in your own way.
Take inventory of your life, your relationships and ask yourself, "How did I create this?" What were you thinking, doing or not doing?
Now, ask a much more important question, "What would I like to create?". Do you want more trust, more respect, more love? What can you think, do or stop doing to get it?
No one is going to save you, nothing is going to fall into your lap. Anything and everything that you want will only happen if you make it happen. You've got to be intentional. Decide what you want, get super clear about it, decide that you will have it and decide that you will do what it takes to have it. Then deliberately take action and keep taking action, changing your approach if needed, until you get what you want. Or just continue complaining and blaming and see if that gets you where you want to be. The choice is yours and yours alone. 

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Saturday, March 29, 2014

My Moment Of Enlightenment

There are little sayings that I've come across in my life that have shifted my paradigm. "Follow your bliss", Joseph Campbell, "The only true wisdom, is knowing that you know nothing", Socrates, "Wherever you are, there you are", Alice in Wonderland, "Whether you think that you can, or that you can't, you're usually right" Henry Ford, are really good ones.
But my favorite quote, the one that has, by far, changed my life the most, is: "Be thankful for everything", Shannon O'Bryan. Shannon isn't a philosopher, author or a book character. She's my closest friend, like a twin sister, for about 7 years now.
We have marathon talks. Hours of just talking about everything from our hair and nails to the way we think energy creates the worlds around us. I love our conversations.
The conversation about gratitude that happened on March 22, 2013 was the most life altering conversation I've ever had. It was perhaps, the most life altering moment of my life.  I know the date because it was the same day we had our aura pictures (mine is above) taken.
I've never had such an "aha" moment. She told me to be grateful for everything. I told her that I know how important it is to be thankful, and that I am. "There's a lot in my life that I have to grateful for. I recite them in the morning." She told me that she meant to be grateful for all things. Like a caveman, I insisted, "I am". She knows me incredibly well, and she could see that I wasn't getting it, and I know she somehow knew that I needed to hear this. So she very patiently said, "I mean everything, the good the bad, your thoughts, your moods, mean people, all of it".
It was like a bolt of lightening through my body, I'll never forget it. There was literally a physical sensation of electricity running through my body. It was as if I had been asleep and just woke up; my body came fully to life. It was amazing. I had this incredible new understanding and I knew in that moment that my life would never be the same. My world was a new color.
I think what I was feeling was a moment of  enlightenment. My entire outlook had changed. It now seems like everything, "good" and "bad",  has a divine purpose. From my new awareness of my very limited perspective, I now know that I could never possibly have a clue what that is, but I do know that everything is part of a grand design. Who would have ever thought that becoming aware of how limited your perspective is would be so thrilling? But it was, it helped me to sense an invisible connection with a sense that i didn't know i had before. There's this peaceful knowing within me (when I remember) that everything serves the universe and helps it to expand and grow.
Now, when I witness violence and injustice, it's with new eyes. I have compassion for suffering, and wish all being's could be free of it, but I no longer feel like there's no meaning to it. Where I once saw victims and felt pity and disgust at events that shouldn't have occurred, I now see divinity at work for a higher purpose that I can't possibly understand.
After we talked we went to get our monthly aura photo taken, and mine was filled with pink and white. I'd never had these colors appear. The lady interpreting it said that white meant enlightenment and that hue of pink was unconditional love. It was on my left side which meant I was receiving enlightenment and unconditional love. I wasn't surprised.

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Thursday, March 27, 2014


Ah, romance. Flowers, candles, soft music and just the right words, the right touch. It's all so Disney Princess fabulous.
I'm not anti-romance, there are very few things that I'm anti. The idea of romance in our culture, however, is so over-inflated and well, romanticized. Romantic comedies, sappy novels, fairy tale weddings complete with a bridezilla, ideas of a rescuer, kisses in the rain and long gazes are what we are taught to want and expect.
We're certainly not short of romantic ideals in our culture, it's everywhere you look. We're inundated with unrealistic fluff.
But are we lacking love? Flowers and candles are nice, but will the person who gave them to you be there for you to lean on when you're having a difficult time? Will you want to be there for them? Soft music is lovely too, but I'd rather have someone that wants to sit with me when I'm at my ugliest. I want to feel like taking time to soothe them when they feel unlovable. We can whisper sweet, but only if they're truth; otherwise, it's meaningless.
It feels amazing to be touched, but not by someone who's not interested in who I really am. Do you know me and love me as I am? Can I say that I know and love you as you are? Under our desire to wear a mask of perfect, there's a deeper desire to be uncovered, to have our true self seen. After all, if this doesn't happen, others can only love our mask.
Romance is pretty and all, but real "no matter what" love, is not fluffy. As my good friend Rebecca so eloquently put it, "That shit is fierce". For all the songs, movies, books and pink wedding albums, one in a million stories are about that real, fierce shit.
Tell me another story about guy meets girl and I can show you a million carbon copies. I'm dying to hear a story about something real, people who were there for each other through extremely difficult times without feeling like they were owed anything. Tell me a story about how someone gave to another and was a rock for them, without expecting any acknowledgment or appreciation. Tell me about some unconditional, no matter what love. That's the rare and the real; I'll take that over romance any day.
In my life, I intend to know my truth. Untruths feel like static messing up my favorite song. I'm not interested in anything that isn't genuine. I find it really crazy that in our culture we seek out romance, which is really just a set of the right conditions. That's the opposite of genuine love, which couldn't care less about conditions or atmosphere.
Perhaps that's why I feel that I have genuine love in my life. My family and friends are people I truly, deeply love and feel loved by. I also consider myself very fortunate to be with a partner who's also the real deal. He's seen me at pretty close to my worst and he still hugged and kissed me. I'm very fortunate to be with a man who really knows me, cares about my life and wants me to be happy. And I am happy, even though there's very little romance in my life.
If you're out there and you desire romance, your desires are always valid and should be honored. However, dig deeper for truth. Is the fluffy stuff truly more important than the fierce shit? Only you know your truth, seek the real. 

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