Monday, December 2, 2013

Love and Closeness Challenge #31: Being the Best You

One of the things that I have noticed often is the tendency for some people to feel entitled to a loving relationship. It's interesting to me that a person (woman or a man) will think that simply because they are alive and in a relationship that they should be loved the way that they see fit. They think that person owes them something, or that they "have a right" to demand to be treated in a certain way. This, to me, is a very backwards and inside out way of thinking.
Please hear me, I am not saying that you or anyone else is undeserving of love and being treated well. What I am saying is that I have noticed a fair amount of people who are in relationships and demand to be treated like a King or Queen and yet their own behavior is more like that of a whiny brat or demanding prince or princess. How can anyone expect to be treated kindly if they are not kind? If you enjoy being hugged, kissed, touched and cuddled affectionately, how can you expect this kind of treatment if you are behaving in ways that make your partner want to distance him/herself from you? If you want to be hugged, kissed, touched and cuddled affectionately, be someone who your partner loves to hug, kiss, touch and cuddle.
How can you expect to have a great partner that treats you with respect and love if you aren't willing to be a great partner who treats your partner with respect and love?
It took me a long time to get this. I used to demand love, then criticize and withhold love and affection when it wasn't delivered the way that I wanted. That was the kind of partner I was, and then I wondered why I had an awful relationship.
I can't tell you how I came to the conclusion that to have a wonderful partner one must be a wonderful partner, but when I finally did, everything changed. When my focus is on "what can I get from my partner" and "how can I change him" it is such an uncomfortable struggle. We feel like enemies trying to win and prove points to each other. When I am conscious enough to keep my focus instead on "what can I give to my partner" and "how can I be the best partner I can be", the entire relationship instantly shifts and is effortlessly happy and loving.
It is always my goal to be the very best partner that I can be and give to my man in all the ways that feel good for him. That is what I focus on and this has made all the difference in the world. However, I'm definitely not perfect, and I forget sometimes what's important and try to get love from him by demanding or punishing. Sometimes I really mess it up and hurt his feelings badly. This is always when I am trying to get, trying to change him or not paying attention to what is important to him. (If you aren't paying attention to what feels good and what's important to your mate, you could be an amazing partner but not an amazing partner for that unique person)
My goal is to become a better and better partner over time and to learn all the ways that I can give love that work for him. I'll make mistakes along the way undoubtedly, but I'll keep my focus on being the best partner for him that I can be and hopefully I'll have a lifetime to get it right.

The great news is that in becoming a great partner, you are evolving and becoming the best you that you can be. Your challenge is to figure out what you can do to become a great partner. I believe that you don't have to read a new book, ask your friends or change who you are. What you have to do to be the best partner for your partner is so highly individual that the only person who can help you to do this is your partner. Ask them what makes them feel good. Or, if you feel uncomfortable doing that, think of what your mate asks for or complains about. 
If you're single take some time to think about what kind of mate you want to be. You deserve love and the kind of partner you want to attract into your life also deserves love. You don't have to wait for someone to show up and be your partner for you to be a great partner. Start being that great partner now with everyone that you meet. 
The most important thing is that you are present and do what you can to create feel good moments to connect with your mate. Love doesn't hurt, and loving partners bring love and joy into their partner's life. People enter into and stay in relationships because they feel good. When relationships get too painful, people make the decision to end it. If you focus on being the best partner that you can be and stack one "feel good" moment with your mate on top of the other after a while this will become habitual. Then your relationship will just feel good effortlessly and this is the goal. However, it starts with you, is maintained by you and ends with you being the best partner, the best you, that you can be.  

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