Monday, October 7, 2013

The Ultimate Intention: Warm Closeness, True Love and Good Feelings

This is a brief post, but hands down, the most important one in my blog. It's my hope that you read this every single day, several times a day if at all possible. Read it and as you do feel the truth of it at the core of your being. If it doesn't feel true for you than obviously it's not. However, I've read hundreds if not thousands of books on relationships, I have models of great relationships all around me and I have absolutely wonderful relationships myself and I come up with the same conclusion over and over. There is a basic foundation that all healthy relationships are based on and that is the ultimate intention of warm closeness and true love.
The truth that whatever else is going on, whatever the conditions, what you really want in any relationship (with the exception of some business relationships) that you have is to feel good. You want to feel that warm affectionate closeness. You want to know the other person and be known by them. You want to feel connected in a positive way. You also want to feel "true love" which I believe is unconditional. You want that "I love you no matter what".
The problem that most people run into is that they expect other people to follow the rules that they have that someone must meet in order to "make them" feel that way. Ask yourself: "Have I ever succeeded in demanding that another give love to me?" The answer I think you will find is no. The only way that we can have love is to be love, or more accurately to realize that we are love already. We can be love by acknowledging that we are the source of it and there is an endless supply. What would you do if you knew you had an endless supply of something? You would give it away. You acknowledge that you are love when you give love. Everything else is trying to buy love, manipulate people into giving it to you or demanding it from them in some way. Why should someone want to be with you if you don't make them feel good, or if they are feeling like you are always trying to get something from them?
The only thing that this "getting" behavior does is create distance, frustration, resentment,insecurity and eventually separation and divorce. If you don't remember anything from this blog, if you never read anything else about how to have great relationships, remember this: The key to having a great relationship (and the basic truth that all other relationship advice points to) is this: Think thoughts, speak words and take actions that increase warm closeness, true love and good feelings. 

The challenge I have for you every single day, to be considered of utmost important is to ask yourself as often as you can: "What can I think and speak/do right now to increase warm closeness, true love and good feelings with this person?"
There are 3 things about the above question that I would like you to take not of. The first is that "I" means you and you alone. You aren't asking what the other can do, you can't control the thoughts they think, the words they speak or what they do. The second is that it says what can I think and speak/do. Your thoughts are like the foundation from which you speak and act. If your thoughts are angry, you can't authentically speak loving words or take loving action, it will be fake. Others can feel this and the relationship itself will become an inauthentic one if this is done repeatedly. The thoughts you think must be loving and warmly affectionate first. Third: I used the term right now. Don't fall into the trap of thinking someday you'll be more loving or after you get married you'll be closer etc. Right now is the only time you have to work with. 
Ask: "What can I think and speak/do right now to increase warm closeness, true love and good feelings with this person?" at least three times a day, especially in times when you don't feel close or loving. Answer it specifically with something you can say or do and then say it or do it the very moment you get the answer. 

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