Friday, October 11, 2013

Love and Closeness Challenge # 21: Sex

Sex in itself is neutral and the act of sex can be meaningless. You can go to any bar and have sex with someone without even knowing their name. Having empty and meaningless is becoming more and more okay in our society, but it is just that: empty and meaningless. People, especially women, do this because they need validation that they are lovable in some way, even if it's just for their body. This tears holes in your soul.
Sex with someone whose name you won't remember or care about the next day may be gratifying while you are having an orgasm, but it's like filling up on unhealthy junk food. Sex with someone that you love deeply and are exclusively committed to, is like organic super food vegetables that nourish your heart and soul.
After you've been with someone a while, sex is one of those things that takes a back seat to the rest of your life. There's simply too much to do and you're just so tired. The problem this creates in relationships extends far beyond the bedroom. I'm not sure where I heard it, I'd love to give credit here, but a couple years ago a phrase stuck with me: sex is the barometer that tells you how your relationship is doing. If you're having very little sex because you're just not into it, the energy of the relationship is: "just not into it". If you're having a lot of warm, loving, passionate sex, then the energy of your relationship is probably warm, loving and passionate.
This is great for telling you the "weather" or the energy of the relationship so you can make adjustments, but sex is an unusual barometer. It also works in the reverse. Put warm, loving, passionate energy into sex, and your relationship will have warm, loving, passionate energy injected into it. Of course if it's been three months of sexlessness, one good romping might not do the trick. The key, like most things that you want to be successful in, is consistency.
Sex is powerfully bonding for human beings. It can express love in deeper ways than words or any other action every could. It's a way that we communicate our affection and devotion to the other. For couples that truly love one another, sex is a Sacred Energy eXchange of warmth and love that brings them closer. This is why sex feels so much better with someone that you love compared to someone you don't care about.
This is not to say that sex always needs to be slow, or passionate, or romantic. Sex doesn't need to be "making love" for it to be bonding. The very fact that sex is something that you share only with your mate connects the two of you intimately. If you are with someone in an exclusively committed relationship, this is an area of your life that you share with only one other person. That by itself makes it sacred time  to bond and express love and affection for each other that you should make no matter what is going on in your life. No one else is allowed to touch you in the same sexual ways that your mate does and no one else is allowed to touch him in that way. This powerfully connects you in a way that you are not connected with another. This is the reason that affairs are so upsetting. This is why it is such a betrayal when partners allow another into this sacred space and spend this sacred time bonding with a person outside of their marriage/committed relationship. Then sex isn't special between two people anymore, it becomes hurtful.
This leads into other ways that sex becomes hurtful. Sometimes when one partner is upset, withholding sex seems like a suitable punishment for the other that hurt them. Sex is not a tool to get what you want from someone, it's not a bartering chip or something that you can use as negative punishment to manipulate someone's behavior. These kinds of uses of sex diminishes it's power to bond and it's sacred use as an expression of deep love. Instead it becomes like a cookie that you dangle in front of a toddler's face to get him to behave.

To put it very simply, today your challenge (if you're in an exclusively committed relationship that has evolved to the point where sex has been had already) is to say yes to sex. I understand that there may be a million reasons that you are too tired, or that your mate doesn't deserve it or that it's just not important right now. But not a single one of those million reasons will bring you closer to your partner or will help you to get out of the rut that you are in. Say yes, not out of obligation, but out of your desire to express and give love. This may not seem like an important thing that you need to do right now, but do you really want to let it get to a point where it becomes the thing that's missing? 

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