Thursday, September 26, 2013

Love and Closeness Challenge #12: Feeling Competent and Capable

It may be overlooked and underestimated, but feeling competent and capable is actually an emotional need for humans. We all need to feel that we are able to take care of ourselves and the ones we love and manage our life well. When we feel like we're failing, this can cause feelings depression of and helplessness.
To help another feel as if they are competent and capable boosts their self esteem and this is important for all relationships. The benefits of boosting your partner's self esteem are enormous. When there are two whole, happy people in a relationship, there is a whole, happy relationship.
The very first thing that you can do to help another feel competent is actually something that you can stop doing. Coaching, giving advice, setting an "example" or making suggestions, no matter how innocent or helpful you think you are being, sends the message: you don't know what you're doing and I know how to do this better than you. This is not a feel good message for anyone to hear or feel.

Your challenge today is to make your mate feel absolutely competent and capable. Build him up. How can you make another person feel competent? By allowing them to handle things without your input, except to maybe say that it looks nice, smells good etc. By letting them do things their own way without getting involved at all. By encouraging them to do something that you know that they can do.
To get even more specific, in all that he does today, let him do it his own way. Let the only words that come out of your mouth be either "Good job!" "That's wonderful (beautiful/helpful/amazing/etc)" and/or "Thank you". If you catch yourself trying to "encourage" him by telling him what you think he should do, offering advice, suggestions or to do something yourself instead of trusting him to do it, simply stop yourself.
Do this with your children as much as possible as well. It will build up their self esteem and their confidence and help them to learn to do things on their own.

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