Friday, August 30, 2013

Improving Relationships With Other & Self By Marie Black Life Coach

Thoughts Create Our Relationships

Thoughts are an incredibly powerful creative force.Your thougts are where the “feeling tone” of all of your relationships originate. This is where all feelings about all things and in fact all things themselves originate: with thought. With your consciousness you create your world moment by moment. You choose how to think and feel about the things around you, you choose what to notice in the world around you and what to delete out. The things that you choose to focus on you will see all around you and what you choose to delete you will not see. This is mostly done subconsciously, but you can do it consciously as well.
Good feelings are the all important foundation of a good relationship. Of course, feelings also come into your awareness with thought. Think good thoughts = have good feelings = have a good relationship. This is something that many of us do naturally when we first meet someone. It's easy to see the best in them and in the relationship. As time goes on there is less to appreciate it seems and less to have good thoughts about. It seems like suddenly our partner, this person that was so loving and kind before has now changed. There are several things going on when this happens, high expectations being one thing, but that is for another article. The big thing that is going on when your partner and relationship seem to take a sudden plunge into feeling less than great is that your thoughts about your mate and relationship have turned negative somehow. A lot of the time there is fear, doubt, insecurity and even resentment. Fear that this person will lose you or you will lose yourself in the relationship. Doubt in this person's feelings for you, or your feelings for them. Insecurity about your worthiness to have this love in your life, or their worthiness to have someone like you in theirs. Resentment about their failure to live up to your expectations about what a loving relationship looks like or their failure to follow your rules about how partner's should treat each other. These thoughts will act like a virus and destroy good feelings. No two things can occupy the same place at the same time. Where there is fear and bad feelings there can not be love or good feelings. Fear pushes love away. 

The good news is thought, like most things that we do on a regular basis, is habitual. We think certain thoughts over and over again habitually. This is a very good thing, it's a tool that we can use to our advantage, for if we can figure out how to change our thinking about our partner and relationship, the entire relationship will be transformed. If we can make these thoughts habitual, then we will create transformation that will last.
My youngest son and daughter are the very best of friends. They spend a lot of time together and even when their friends are over they prefer to play with each other. Since the time my son was born, I have made it a point to tell everyone how well they get along and how much they love each other. I know the incredible power of thought and belief to create and I knew that telling them both as well as telling everyone else how much they adore each other would actually make this a reality. They mirror back to me my thoughts about them that have caused them to have these loving thoughts about each other. I did this intentionally, and now if you ask anyone who knows them they will tell you how incredibly close they are. I created this by creating thought habits in myself, in them and in everyone that knows them.
You can do this intentionally in your relationship starting in this very moment. Remain aware of your thoughts throughout the day, remember that they are like a stream, they don't end. If you think good thoughts in the morning, it isn't enough to sustain you through the day. Good thoughts about your relationship in the morning will create a good relationship in the morning. In order to have a good relationship all the time, it's important that you think loving thoughts about your partner and about the relationship – all the time. It would be amazing if you could think loving thoughts about yourself, your partner, your relationship and every other aspect of your life. This would create real miracles of love. The more loving the thoughts, the more loving the relationship and the more lovely your life.
We have so many thoughts all the time, it seems so difficult to think loving thoughts in every moment. But anything is possible, and I believe with my entire being that it is absolutely possible to have great thoughts about your mate, about yourself and about the relationship in every moment. After all, your negative thoughts about him, yourself and the relationship come out of habit and you are in control of your thought habits. So, let's create some new habits.
How to do this? Well habits are formed unconsciously when the person performing them is positively reinforced as they do them in some way. This is something that helps greatly to form a habit. People who smoke cigarettes and drink excessively are certainly not doing so because they want the long term effects on their health. The positive feeling that they get when they smoke or drink overrides their willpower. Knowing this, how can we reinforce the behavior of positive thinking about our mates? One system I've come up with for myself  is writing a list of things that you would like to buy for myself or do for myself that I find very rewarding. I make sure that I  have the money to do these things or I choose free things such as a day off to go to the beach by myself. For each time that I catch myself thinking a positive thought about myself, my mate or my relationship, I write a check mark on an index card. Every time that I catch yourself thinking a negative thought I will consciously ask myself a question such as: What are three things that I love about my partner? Or What am I most grateful for about my relationship? What do a appreciate most about myself? What is one wonderful thing that I have done in the past 24 hours? I answer these questions and place 3 check marks on the card. Why three? Because it is easier to notice yourself when you are thinking positively than it is to notice when you are thinking negatively and then turn it around. It is also something that is extremely useful to be able to do habitually. At the end of the week, I add up my points and give myself a prize. I make different prizes different “prices”. The more valuable to me, the more the price, the more I want it and the more I will be willing to “work” for it.
Other ways to get into a habit of thinking only good thoughts about your mate, yourself and your relationship is to answer questions several times a day, make up a mantra, have intentions to read a few times a day and to pray.
I've come up with some suggestions to try. I'm not perfect and neither are you or anyone else on this earth, but we can choose more and more of the time to take control of our thoughts and use them to intentionally create the relationship we desire. The universe is a mirror and will reflect back to you whatever it is that you are predominantly thinking.
Questions are excellent because your brain loves to solve problems. Even if you just ask the questions and don't consciously answer them, your brain is like a computer and will continuously search for answers until it finds them. Ask yourself questions that will cause loving thoughts about your mate, yourself and your relationship as often as needed or desired. I've come up with some, but add your own if you'd like.

Questions that will cause thoughts that are loving about your mate are:
* What are 6 things you appreciate about how your mate is as a person (values, morals etc)?
* What are 6 kindnesses that your mate has extended to you?
* What is a way that he touches you or a way that he has touched you that feels the most amazing?
* What is the most thoughtful thing he's ever done for you?
* What is the thing that he does that turns you on the most sexually?
* What is the best dream you had about him?
* His soul, who he truly is in the core of his being. Feel this essence of him. What does it feel like?
* What is something he said or did that really made you feel love for him?
* What is the most loving fantasy you have about him?
* What is the best date or vacation that you went on together?
* What are 3 ways you know that he is a great mate?
* What is his gift to the world?
* What is he best at?
* In what ways is he innocent like a child?
* What do you love most about his body?
* What do you love most about his mind?
* What do you love most about his heart?
* When do you feel most connected with him?
* What is one thing that you could do today to make your mate feel respected?
* What is one thing that you could do today to make your mate feel understood?
* What is one thing that you could do today to make your mate feel admired?
* What is one thing that you could do today to make your mate feel deeply attracted to you?
* What is one thing that you could do today to make your mate feel special?
* What is one thing that you could do today to make your mate feel warm feelings about the relationship?
* What is one thing that you could do today to make your mate feel appreciated?
* What is one thing that you could do today to make your mate feel supported?

Questions that will cause thoughts that are loving about yourself are:
* What are 6 things you appreciate how yourself as a person (values, morals etc)?
* What are 6 kindnesses that you have extended to others?
* What time of day do you feel the most amazing?
* What do you do that feels the most amazing?
* What is the most thoughtful thing you've ever done for someone else?
* What is the most wonderful thing you've done for your mate?
* What is the thing you do that turns your mate on the most sexually?
* What is the best dream you had about yourself?
* Your own soul, who you truly are in the core of your being. Feel this essence of youself as deeply as you can. What does it feel like?
* What is your gift to the world?
* What are you best at?
* What is something you said or did that really made you feel love for yourself?
* What is the best fantasy you have about yourself?
* What is the best time you ever spent alone?
* What are 3 ways you know that you are a great mate?
* What do you love most about your body?
* What do you love most about your mind?
* What do you love most about your heart?
* When do you feel most connected with yourself?
* What is one thing you could do today to fill up your cup?

Questions that will cause thoughts that are loving about your relationship are:
* What are 6 things you appreciate most about the dynamics of your relationship?
* What are 6 things that you do together that you don't do with anyone else (only one can be sexual)?
* What about your relationship in it's current state feels the most amazing?
* What are 6 things that make you know that this is the best relationship for you?
* What do you do together sexually that makes you feel the most bonded with him?
* If the relationship were a person, what would he/she be like?
* Your soul as one. Feel the essence of the soul of your union. What does it feel like?
* What color is the relationship?
* What are 3 ways you know that this is a divine compliment relationship?
* What is the biggest gift your relationship has given to you?
* What is the best thing about your relationship?
* In what 3 ways are you innocent together like children?
* What do you love most about your bodies together?
* What do you love most about your minds together?
* What do you love most about your hearts (emotions) together?
* What are three things that you know about each other that no one else knows?
* In what ways are you more connected to each other that to anyone else?
* In what ways do you function perfectly as a harmonious unit?
* What does the energy of your relationship as it's own entity feel like?
* How could you add more loving energy to the relationship entity today?
* What is one thing that you could do today to improve sex?
* What is one thing that you could do today to increase true love and warm closeness in the relationship?
* What is one thing that you could do today to learn more about your mate at the true core of him?
* What is one thing that you could do today to be more of a harmonious unit?

Basically any time that you remember to ask these or other good feeling questions, do it. When you are waiting in line at the DMV, when you are washing dishes post them where you can see them and answer them, when you are driving have a few of them memorized or put them on a tape and play them.

I love mantras because of their simplicity. Mantras should be short, rhythmic and very simple, just 3-4 words that evoke powerful loving feelings about your mate and your relationship. “I am love” “We are close and loving” or ven just "Close and loving" "I open my heart to you" “Perfect partners” “We are one love” “We love” “Together love” “True love and warm closeness” "Love and closeness" “One heart”. Whatever resonates with you is perfect. The great thing about mantras is they are so easy to use. You just repeat them over and over whenever you feel the desire to do so. I find them very useful when things between my mate and I are feeling strained, distant or in any way inharmonious. I've become so sensitive to this that I can pick up these negative feelings before they've had any real effect on our relationship. I nip it in the bud with a mantra.

Intentions are also great. Conscious intention is incredibly powerfully creative. They could be: “I choose to create true love and warm feelings of closeness in my relationship today” “I choose to create a love miracle in my relationship tonight” “I choose to bond with my partner more deeply than I ever have before today” “I choose to make him feel the best he can possibly feel tonight” “I choose to seek to understand him” “I choose to be present with him” “I choose to open my heart and let him all the way in” “I choose to trust completely” Saying that you choose to do something and just stating it,feeling real about it is excellent. I use intention every morning before I even get out of bed and when I lay down to go to sleep.

If you'd like to do simple prayers you could use the above examples but add “Please help me” instead of “I choose”. The act of praying is the act of surrendering your desires to a higher power. When you ask for help in this way you give up your control or your illusion of control and hand it over to a benevolent, all powerful force. Some people call it the highest self, God, the subconscious or superconscious mind etc. Whatever you call it, this kind of faith always delivers the highest good.

As a single footstep will not make a path on the earth, so a single thought will not make a pathway in the mind. To make a deep physical path, we walk again and again. To make a deep mental path, we must think over and over the kind of thoughts we wish to dominate our lives.”
Henry David Thoreau

Sunday, August 4, 2013


Forgiveness is one of those things that is an absolute necessity for a loving relationship. Without forgiveness, each discretion adds up and constructs an entire relationship of resentment and contempt. Without forgiveness a score is kept. With forgiveness, each moment is a clean slate.
Forgiveness is for both the big things that have happened that have really deeply hurt you and caused a lot of pain and for the minor annoyances and irritations. Every single thing that you feel you have been victimized in any way is an opportunity to extend forgiveness to another. Being victimized doesn't Any time that you believe you have been at the effect of another, that someone has caused you pain, you are in victim mentality. When you forgive you reclaim your power by acknowledging that you are never a victim.
You are never at the effect of anyone else's behaviors. Nothing anyone ever does or says has the power to effect you in any way unless you allow it to. When you forgive, you set yourself free from feeling effected by what others say and do. You say in a sense that what they have said or done is their responsibility, has no power to cause a problem in your life. You also say that you understand that you can't know their reasons for doing what they did and whatever the reason they thought it was what was best at the time.
Holding on to bitterness, anger, resentment and ill will doesn't do anything for you. It doesn't fix the situation and it won't make the other "pay" for what they have done. Holding on to these feelings only causes you to suffer. This kind of energy wreaks havoc in your life, all of your relationships will feel strained. It also wreaks havoc on your body, you can actually become sick from the stress of these types of feelings.
I have found that the easiest way for me to forgive is to forgive immediately and completely all transgressions large and small. I have set up a daily practice of forgiving anyone anytime that did something that upset me. I then ask them to forgive me (in my mind and heart) because we are all one, and they are just a mirror of me, so asking forgiveness from them releases residual negative feelings. Then, I send them love and wish them well. I think of them and feel love for them and then I say silently, "I wish you well". This practice of immediate forgiving has been transformative. I truly feel I'm free, nothing holds me the way it did before I learned to forgive. The key is, remembering to forgive even the smallest things that upset you even slightly and to forgive the innocent (babies, animals, plants etc.) because just because they are innocent doesn't mean they can't trigger anger and resentment.
Forgive to free yourself.

“Sincere forgiveness isn't colored with expectations that the other person apologize or change. Don't worry whether or not they finally understand you. Love them and release them. Life feels back truth to people in it's own way and time.”

Sara Paddison