This perfect match point of view is very detrimental if you ever hope to have a loving and lasting relationship. This way of thinking makes it very difficult for someone to commit to one person and stay committed when things are less than wonderful.
Does your idea of a "soul mate" relationship doesn't include hard times? Does it include one in which at times you have to give more than you receive?
If you have the belief that there is one person out there that you are meant to be with, there will always be a seed of doubt in your relationship. There is great reluctance to surrender to another because you will always have one eye looking for "the one". You may never feel open to love, you are a little reserved, just in case this person is not "the one".
What they fail to understand is that they are not searching for love. In truth, they are searching for someone who will miraculously meet all their needs without having to be told what those needs are. They are looking for what they may believe to be true love, but it is in fact a completely false love. False love takes from others in an attempt to fill a void and to satisfy needs.
When a person is looking to fill this void and meet their own needs, the demands are constant because there are always new needs that come up. In essence they are saying to the other "You are here to fill my desires, make me feel good and meet my needs. Do it now or I won't love you anymore".
This false love feeling can sometimes be fulfilled temporarily, but it is usually very fleeting. Once their "for now" partner stops giving to them in a way that makes them feel good, they're displeased and usually let the other know. They punish them by withholding love and pointing out all of their awful faults.
This creates distance and feelings of resentment, self-pity and even contempt. Sometimes people will remain engaged in the struggle of back and forth demanding. They get stuck in a love/hate relationship that they feel they can't live with but don't want to end.
True love on the other hand only knows how to give. A person who feels true love for another would only seek to give to their partner, expecting nothing in return. Very few adult relationships are truly loving all the time.
Your goal shouldn't be to give constantly to another, but there are practical ways of having true love in your life now, whether you're in a relationship or not.
- Become aware of the times that you are taking. You'll know you're taking when you want the other person to make you feel better.
- Come outside of yourself if you want love and shift your focus instead on the other abs bringing them good feelings.
- Be as interested in their partner's well being as much as they're interested in their own.
- Be as interested in your partner as you are yourself.
- When you do give, give because you want to and expect nothing in return.
- Be happy with what is. Let go of agendas and your ideas of the way things should be and just be present. Even if things aren't the way that you would prefer for them to be, it is your life right now, be happy where you are. Tomorrow I will talk about something I call "pretending it's a prefect design" that really gets into being happy with what is.